And again, it’s been ages! I’ve still just been bouncing around between work commitments, life admin, EHCP and school stuff, and following up with referrals and people who can’t do their jobs properly. There is no breathing space, because when those things are done or as up to date as they can be there is just the never ending trying to manage family dynamics.
Along with most things to do with Katie and her mental / emotional health, family dynamics have also gone downhill over the last year or so. I don’t think my relationship with Katie is a healthy one as she struggles so much to be separated from me. It’s smothering and she is too dependent on me. Her relationship with John has also deteriorated and they are constantly at loggerheads with each other. There is a real communication issue between the two of them.
Her worst relationship is with Alice and it’s causing a lot of worry, sadness, disappointment, anger, you name it. They have never had a particularly good relationship, mostly on Katie’s part. Since they were tiny they’ve had what I guess can be fairly typical dynamic where Alice was always trying to play with Katie, asking to do stuff with her, following her around, and constantly being rejected by the big sister who was far too superior to spend time with her squirty baby sister. And that’s fine, I guess it happens to a point with all siblings. But there’s always been more of an undercurrent to it than that with Katie and it’s so hard to explain. It’s the same with a lot of things when it comes to Katie – there’s all the normal emotions or actions but with her they’re always stronger and taken to the next level to the point that they’re ‘not normal’ anymore.
The girls are absolute opposites in every way and it is definitely not a case of opposites attract. Katie wouldn’t admit it in a million years and probably doesn’t realise it herself but I think she has some very deep rooted jealousy and resentment of Alice. Life has generally seemed to come that bit easier to Alice. She is sociable, she gets invited to more play dates and parties, she can do things physically that Katie struggles with, she has taken life in her stride and gone with the flow. Katie wants friends (and does have them) but finds it really hard to get the balance between being with people and then finding it all too much. She hates groups, social situations can pretty confusing for her and she struggles with maintaining friendships, and she has massive anxiety levels about pretty much everything. It must be hard to see life coming so much more naturally to a younger sibling.
There have always been digs at Alice, snide comments and put downs, telling her people don’t like her, laughing at her when she gets something wrong. For someone who isn’t great in social situations Katie is extremely good at manipulating things so that Alice gets left out. She has said to me many times in the past that she hates Alice and wishes she didn’t have a sister. This used to bother her and she’d sometimes ask me if that made her a bad person. And I’d say no, there is no right or wrong way to feel about things and I feel bad for her that she has to live with a person who causes her so many negative feelings. It must be incredibly hard. But I also told her it wasn’t Alice’s fault that she feels like that towards her and she doesn’t deserve to bear the brunt of it, so Katie could come and talk to me about it if she was particularly struggling but she mustn’t tell Alice she hated her or keep showing it through her actions, and we could talk about some strategies to try and deal with things and improve them.
This worked for a while and we’ve been bumbling along but since Katie’s anxiety, OCD, emetophobia and school refusal have all escalated, so has her behaviour towards Alice and it’s really getting unbearable. It’s like the flood gates have opened and Katie just can’t contain herself any more. She is absolutely vile towards Alice, and to a lesser extent Matthew. I think it also used to help that Katie would often take herself off to the conservatory and sit with the guinea pigs to decompress, but since her separation anxiety started she won’t do that anymore and she won’t go to her bedroom either. If we’re home she’s always near me and following me around the house. She can’t escape from anyone so she gets more and more wound up by the noise anyone else is making and then she just explodes. I understand the overwhelm but I have issues with the fact that she won’t help herself. She hates people walking right by her when she’s sat on the sofa but she refuses to sit in the corner where she’s a bit more out the way, or wear headphones or do anything else that might help. It’s like there’s some sort of perverse enjoyment in getting wound up to the point of bursting.
The only way Katie will move herself away from the other two now is if I go with her, which I can sometimes but obviously not all the time. And she really hates it when I say no, and she really hates it that I also spend time with the other two and not just with her all the time.
Up until the last few months Alice still would have forgiven Katie pretty much anything and still made efforts to be friends. Now we’ve got to the point where Katie has broken her. She’s had enough and I think she can’t stand Katie as much as Katie can’t stand her. She often now gives as good as she gets. They completely bring out the worst in each other and are really unlikeable when in each other’s company at home.
Years of bullying from Katie are taking their toll on Alice, especially where it’s got worse. Her self esteem is crumbling, she is becoming self conscious and worries what people think of her, and she stresses if she doesn’t do something perfectly because she thinks she’ll be laughed at. She has lost her happy go lucky side and can be very emotional. Katie is wearing her down.
Katie is abusive to Alice and Matthew both verbally and physically and I feel powerless to stop it and a failure as a parent. She knows what she’s doing isn’t acceptable but her response to everything is “I don’t care”. How would you feel if someone did to you what you’re doing to them? I don’t care. Can you see how much it’s hurting Alice? I don’t care, she deserves it. And I don’t think she does care. She sees Alice as a ‘thing’ rather than her sister. I don’t understand how she can cry and worry about inanimate objects like when we got rid of our dining chairs but doesn’t give a toss about the impact she’s having on a younger child. If I impose any punishment for what she’s doing it makes things even worse because she blames Alice for the fact she’s getting punished. She won’t ever take any responsibility or listen to reasoning, and it also turns very quickly into tit for tat. We took her phone off her one day for writing a nasty WhatsApp status about Alice, so she went and hid our chargers. We cut short a visit from one of her friends because she was picking on Alice, so she hid our car keys. Sort of sounds funny but it’s not when you’re living it. I’ve asked her and Alice to go somewhere else when they’re finding each other too much but Katie point blank refuses unless I go with her, which I don’t because then it’s always me going off with her and leaving Alice and Matthew. Or she’ll look at me and say “make me” and she knows I can’t make her. She’s 11 years old and nearly as tall as me.
So mostly I try and be preventative. Physically she kicks, hits, pinches and intimidates the other two so I have ended up sitting on Katie to stop her going for them. I stand between them to block her. I have shut the door on her and sat on the other side while she kicks it to try and get back in and get at them again. If I have a shower I make sure it’s when Katie is out or John is in the house because I don’t feel it’s safe to leave the three kids when I can’t see or hear Katie. And where I can I keep trying to have conversations with Katie to try and get through to her.
I don’t have the words to describe how much I hate that one if not both of my younger children are effectively experiencing domestic violence in what should be their comfortable safe space. They would have been taken away from us if it was me or John doing this.
Physical prevention is one thing but it’s impossible to stop the words that come out of Katie’s mouth. Some of the things that have been said to Alice directly or deliberately within her ear shot in the last few days:
- You don’t deserve to have been born
- I wish you were dead
- You should have miscarried Alice
- You know it’s torture living here with that (Alice)
- She’s disgusting
- I’m not having the guinea pigs out in the garden when that’s out there too (Alice)
- I don’t even know why Daddy loves her. I don’t know why you do either
- I’ll kick your face off until I break your neck. That’s what I want to do
- No one likes you. They all think you’re stupid
There are lots of things that I can understand or excuse with Katie but absolutely not this. There is no excuse for it at all and I wonder if she is psychotic sometimes. But what’s the solution? She’s already under various mental health support services who don’t seem to be doing much. I don’t think there are any more.
We have spoken to Alice’s school about her home life and they are offering her ELSA support to try and help with self esteem.
CAMHS offered to refer us to Early Help and I said yes, but as all our children are aged over 5 they can’t do anything. The Contact, Advice and Assessment Service has had input requested twice – once as part of Katie’s EHCP assessment, and once by me in relation to what’s going on for Alice – and both times they’ve declined to get involved.
I send Katie up to help at the stables as much as possible because it’s the only place she’s really happy and it gets her out the house for the day. My mum helps as much as she can by taking Katie or having the other two. I separate them as much as possible. I take them out as much as I can over the school holidays because Katie seems much better with them when we’re not in the house.
I know this is not about me but I’m heartbroken for my once perky and confident little girl and my sweet boy who don’t deserve the home life they’ve got. I’m worried for my big girl and whatever is going on in her head. I’m reflective of my own happy childhood and sad that our family life at this time seems to be more about survival than enjoyment. To be honest there is a fair bit of self pity because I’m wondering quite how it’s come to this and what we’ve done wrong. I wonder where it will all end.
Mum life 