After Death

I am really lucky that I had all 4 of my grandparents in my life until my Grandpa died when I was 20. My Grandma died when I was 26, and my Gran died when I was 34. I still have my other Grandpa.

I don’t know what I believe about why we’re all here, what life is all about, what happens when you die etc, but I don’t like to think that death is the end. I also don’t like to think that ghosts are real because I hate the thought of being stuck in limbo, not properly part of the world you’ve left but not being able to ‘move on’ either.

I can’t remember how long it was after Grandpa died but I did have a dream about him which I found comforting and I wrote to Gran afterwards and told her about it. In the dream we had all the family at our house – cousins, aunts, uncles, lots of people and noise. Gran was sat at the table and Grandpa was sat right next to her. They weren’t talking but were just sat comfortably side by side. Gran knew he was there and I got the impression he was with her quite a lot. No one else had seen him and they were just carrying on as normal while I sat there staring. Then Grandpa disappeared but Gran wasn’t upset and I felt like he’d be back with her another time. She looked up and saw me staring and said with a smile “You knew he was there didn’t you”. And that was the end of the dream because I woke up. I have no idea if this was some sort of ‘message’ from the other side or if it was just my brain making up a nice story, but either way I’m glad I had that dream.

I also had a dream not long after Gran died that me, John, the kids and my mum were at church (which was out of context as my mum doesn’t go to church, and Gran did but we didn’t used to go with her). The rest of us were sitting together but Gran was a couple of rows in front of us sat on her own. The kids were pointing and saying “Look there’s Gran” but my mum told them that she wouldn’t turn round. So we sat through a church service with Gran there in front of us but it was comforting to have her there even without being able to talk to her or be with her properly.

The last thing that happened wasn’t a dream and it came completely out of the blue. It was a few months after Gran had died, just before Christmas and I was in the kitchen at home with some Xmas songs and carols playing. I was on my own so I’m not sure if John was putting the kids in bed or they were just playing in another room. But the song ‘O holy night’ came on so I was just listening to it and suddenly it was like Gran was right there with me. I could smell her so strongly, which was weird in itself because I never really thought Gran had a particular smell. I could almost physically feel her standing right next to me. It felt like if I reached my arm out I would touch her or I could hug her. I just stood there while that song was playing, with Gran right there next to me and it was so lovely to have her there with me. Then the song finished and she wasn’t there anymore. I have no idea why that happened because it wasn’t a song that I associated with Gran at all and I don’t remember that I’d even been particularly thinking about her that day. I asked my mum afterwards if she knew any connection between Gran and O Holy Night and she said no. But again, regardless of why it happened or what it meant I’m glad to have had that moment.

Even though O Holy Night had no association with Gran while she was with us, since that day it’s a special song to me. I sometimes just play it anyway regardless of the time of year, and I always love hearing it at Christmas and remembering Gran and that moment. There are so many versions of it, and I love hearing choirs singing it, but that night it was a female soloist (I don’t know who) so that’s what I’ve linked to here.

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